Nineteen years ago today I wrote my first blog post. It was Rosh Hashanah then too. This year I'm just glad I'm still here. It's the second Pen-Elayne blogiversary (yes, the late great skippy coined that word, speaking of dear bloggy friends no longer with us) since the COVID-19 pandemic began, and at this point many of us who are trying to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe are just persisting and going through the motions. Oh sure, I'm back seeing (local) doctors and Robin and I have both been taking care of our health in other ways (mostly the exercise bike), but I feel like I haven't been feeding my soul that much. My self-teaching-art books sit unopened on the living room couch, I haven't actually written anything creative outside of work since this time last year, and I just looked at my collection of blog posts that I wanted to write about and they stretch back over two years.
During this pandemic I've come up with so many things I want to say but no coherent way to string them all together. Some of it is because of the obvious existential turmoil brought on by sheltering in place with human contact discouraged, despite vaccines (breakthrough illness among the vaccinated is starting to rise among my circle of friends and coworkers). For me, finding out almost simultaneously about a year ago that I will be retaining my current job and that I'll be working remotely from home even as the people I support return to the office post-pandemic also threw me on a bit of a roller coaster. I'm so, so lucky to have this work that pays me well enough to continue to enjoy my life, but at the same time I feel like I'm constantly pushing myself to justify my continued value to my company in all kinds of different ways so I can stay employed there until I retire in seven or so years.
All this means I have less emotional and mental energy to devote to personal hobbies. But don't get me wrong, it's not all doom-scrolling. Although Robin and I tend to be homebodies anyway nowadays, I've made sure to hug my downstairs neighbor at least once to thank her for all her help. I've seen my mom in person twice this summer and my brother and sis-in-law once, hugged them too. We're blessed to have human contact virtually, whether with work colleagues or relatives and friends we miss seeing and love so dearly that we refuse to endanger them until All of This is Past. And I still engage in hobbies that don't necessarily require the use of copious amounts of brainpower, like online puzzle games.
But I do miss writing. I miss the equilibrium it affords, the inner peace it brings me. It's my form of meditation. And I will do that blogaround pontificating on the 24+ month old posts, and I will get back to my art book, and I will even return to regular old meditation... but in my own time. When I'm ready. I honestly think it's enough for the moment to just Be Here Now. And I thank you for being here as well.
During this pandemic I've come up with so many things I want to say but no coherent way to string them all together. Some of it is because of the obvious existential turmoil brought on by sheltering in place with human contact discouraged, despite vaccines (breakthrough illness among the vaccinated is starting to rise among my circle of friends and coworkers). For me, finding out almost simultaneously about a year ago that I will be retaining my current job and that I'll be working remotely from home even as the people I support return to the office post-pandemic also threw me on a bit of a roller coaster. I'm so, so lucky to have this work that pays me well enough to continue to enjoy my life, but at the same time I feel like I'm constantly pushing myself to justify my continued value to my company in all kinds of different ways so I can stay employed there until I retire in seven or so years.
All this means I have less emotional and mental energy to devote to personal hobbies. But don't get me wrong, it's not all doom-scrolling. Although Robin and I tend to be homebodies anyway nowadays, I've made sure to hug my downstairs neighbor at least once to thank her for all her help. I've seen my mom in person twice this summer and my brother and sis-in-law once, hugged them too. We're blessed to have human contact virtually, whether with work colleagues or relatives and friends we miss seeing and love so dearly that we refuse to endanger them until All of This is Past. And I still engage in hobbies that don't necessarily require the use of copious amounts of brainpower, like online puzzle games.
But I do miss writing. I miss the equilibrium it affords, the inner peace it brings me. It's my form of meditation. And I will do that blogaround pontificating on the 24+ month old posts, and I will get back to my art book, and I will even return to regular old meditation... but in my own time. When I'm ready. I honestly think it's enough for the moment to just Be Here Now. And I thank you for being here as well.
2 comments:
I haven't been able to draw and write as much as I used to, either, for various reasons we've discussed elsewhere as much as because of the Pandemic.
Happy blogaversary! 19 years is something of a big accomplishment!
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