Back to the New Normal

Whew, I have no idea how I made it through my first day back at work. I'm just grateful I was able to work from home. By the time I logged off I had gotten through a half dozen condolence calls and emails (in addition to all the ones I got last week), caught up with everything left hanging before our winter break, and made some headway towards scheduling the dozen or so client meetings I didn't get to last month. The arm and shoulder pain has now focused in on my neck, which I think must also be the source of the tingling I've felt for a couple months. Probably a pinched nerve. Ibuprofen continues to be my friend, and the agony has certainly eased a bit. Let's hope tomorrow's doings in NJ don't screw everything up again.

The Movement You Need

Something's up with my right shoulder and arm. I suspect it has to do with the heavy shovelful of dirt I picked up to throw onto my mother's grave, as the tradition sort of demands. I couldn't sleep very well at all last night, so I was grateful for one more day of no work. I just want this arm to feel better, as I have to go into NJ to help my brother pack up Mom's room at the long-term care center on Tuesday. In the meantime I'm mainlining ibuprofen and making liberal use of the heating pad, as Mom would have wanted.

Too Cold to Feel

So exhausted today. Too much tiredness and cold to want to go anywhere, so we opted to shop tomorrow and spend today in quiet contemplation of Mom's remarkable life. That and shivering under covers, in my case. We're both definitely under the weather. I hope it eases soon!

By Degrees

That's how I'll probably get back to myself, by degrees. As long as the degrees are of rising temperatures, which they don't appear to be yet. We were both so wiped today from the last few days that I was grateful for recovery time at home. Tomorrow we venture out again briefly to do our weekly grocery shopping, Monday I'm back at work (from home), and Tuesday I either venture into NJ again to help my brother pack up Mom's stuff from the long-term care place and bring it all back to her Toms River area home to start sorting things for an eventual estate sale, or I go into the office in Manhattan. So much in the air at the moment. Which I guess is as it should be. 

2026 Has To Be Better

White Rabbits (or Rabbis) and Happy New Year. This was a very long day, both physically and emotionally. As an atheist I wasn't sure how I'd feel about things like shiva. Saying the prayer for the dead isn't about how much you miss them and honor their memory but mostly about how great the invisible sky fairy is, but I felt I had to Keep Peace and Honor Mom yesterday (and everyone at the gravesite was looking at me and my brothers expectantly). I was hoping to be spared the same pretense today and thus declined the prayer book my brother held out for me, and unfortunately that set him off something awful. I believe the phrase "get the eff out of my house" was uttered. However, my Cal-bro made me realize there are times and places to assert personal boundaries and the mourning period for Mom was probably not one of those. So I held the book and kept silent, reflecting on how much I'm going to miss Mom and how she will always be a part of me, and I even held my tongue when the rabbi asked for folks' reminiscences because I'd already said all I'd wanted to say. And afterwards I apologized to my youngest bro for the slight and we hugged it out. But everything seemed tense. Thank goodness visiting relatives helped break that tension, as did a couple of wonderful meals with my Cal-bro and sis-in-law, who couldn't deal with the cold. I mean, we couldn't even deal with the cold, I can't imagine how much worse it was for them! We stayed at the same hotel as they did this evening because I knew the emotional and physical exertion would leave me in no shape to drive home in the dark, something I have trouble doing now at the best of times. I trust we don't pick up any number of diseases from hugging folks, many of whom have probably been ill lately. Let's hope shiva doesn't turn out to be a super-spreader.

Funereal

Today we buried Mom in the cold, cold ground on a cold, cold day. The short funeral ceremony was held in an indoor chapel, and the interment was as brief as could be. I was fortunate not to have too many tears prevent me from the 45-minute drive to Paramus then back. Tomorrow's the first of two shiva days. My bro and sis-in-law have arrived from California and are hella jet-lagged; I look forward to catching up with them tomorrow.

Mommy and Me

My mother passed away in the early hours this morning. She had a good run, 94 years, although the last year or so saw her gradually waste away day by day as she lost her appetite completely, then her interest in most things. But that's not what I'll remember most.

Memory is a funny thing, especially for someone who feels like they've been gaslit at various times in their life. I don't entirely trust my own memories, and I've had to deal with my sometimes-misplaced episodic memory as well. So I choose to remember things that I believe ring true and provide me with the most emotional impact. That said, my two earliest memories are (1) a few seconds when I was a baby in my crib, crying, and Mom came in and picked me up to comfort me, and (2) when I was about 4 years old and had an earache, my mom holding my hand as we walked under the elevated subway in the Bronx en route to the doctor's office. The overriding feeling I have from both memories is one of comfort, safety, and security.

My mom was a self-professed "educational snob" and an avid reader who loved word games. She taught us Scrabble, loved watching Jeopardy with my late aunt until Alex Trebek passed, and I played Words With Friends with her until about a year ago. I certainly got my love of reading from her, but knowledge is a double-edged sword, as the more I read (and grew) the more I questioned. And many of the answers were not in keeping with her core beliefs, mostly religion-based. But we reached a detente by the time I was an adult (even though to an extent she and my dad treated me like a teenager until the end of their days) and the love we had for one another was never in question.

In some ways Mom's life, especially towards the end, also served as a cautionary tale, making me more keenly aware of my own fragility and health issues. I long since gave up FOMO for FOBO (Fear of Being Overwhelmed) and no longer wish to Go Out to many places other than the office in Manhattan, in large measure due to mobility issues. When I sense something is amiss I have doctors with whom I honestly discuss my situation, all kinds of braces and walking sticks to help me get around, and I don't kid myself as much as I used to about what I'm capable of doing. I sometimes wish I had a larger in-person social circle the way I did when I was younger (and before COVID increased the risk of being in crowds), but my online circle and work colleagues make up for that in large measure and, after all, I'm married to my best friend who complements me perfectly (and is, for the record, not allowed to predecease me).

My dad's death 18 years ago was sudden, the result of an auto accident on the other side of the country where I could not reach, and thus I never felt like I had any closure with him. My mom's situation was almost the opposite, she faded gradually and there was plenty of time to say all that needed to be said. Nonetheless, now that both my parents are gone I feel like the two pillars on which I was standing have crumbled, which is ironic considering I also feel like I've reached Peak Competence in my life, and can adult pretty well. There's a Jewish saying "may their memory be a blessing," and as an atheist I'm comforted by knowing that they're both together now, in my heart and in my head and in the things I choose to remember. 

I began writing in part as a way to try and better communicate with my parents, neither of whom had the same frames of reference as me (although they were proud of my accomplishments), so in that respect I never quite succeeded, but my writing has continued to this day and I think I've held my own with my other social circles, and with whatever readers of this blog remain. After I retire (the plan is still June of 2028) I may switch to writing full-time, but there are a lot of things I "may" do now that I'm unmoored. For now I'll just concentrate on healing, one day at a time.

 

Necessaries Done

Today we ventured up to downtown Yonkers via the local bus, as the roads were slushy and we weren't sure how navigable the area was by car, to renew Robin's non-driver ID as he wanted to get a Real ID version which can only be done in person. I can't say enough about the Yonkers DMV, we were in and out in under an hour, but I regret not driving, as the roads were clear, there were plenty of parking spots after all, and we had to wait almost half an hour in the damp for our homeward bus. After a brief rest we cleared the car, gassed up (had a momentary panic when the power steering seemed to fail, but all was OK and we chalked it up to the cold) and headed out again in the pea-soup fog for brunch at our favorite sushi place and the ShopRite in the same strip mall to stock up on food prior to Whatever Happens This Week as and when Mom passes. The fog had cleared completely as we drove home, and we're now both exhausted and determined not to do anything tomorrow as we both need to rest up. Oh, and the wind has picked up, so more cold to come.

Nebulusoity Persists

It's a strange counting down, the days of the year and the days of my mother's life. I don't remember what I did today other than stay inside in the after-snow cold (looks like we got about 4 and a half inches) and do various indoor activities like catching up on my checkbook, reading, watching TV, and waiting for the thaw. It's supposed to be rainy but less cold tomorrow (I think the rain has started already), and it being a weekday that will set things in motion for us again, but for now it's enforced inactivity and contemplation.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

The anticipated Storm of the Century nonsense never materialized. Looks like we got about 4.5 inches in our area, but we haven't gone out to measure because we haven't had to. Combine the enforced inactivity with the nebulous period between Christmas and New Year's Day and add to it the uncertainty about when Mom is going to succumb (setting in motion a funeral and at least a few days of sitting shiva) and I'm pretty much paralyzed. My sleep cycle is shot all to hell, understandably, so I dozed on and off today. At least I caught up on my medical files and laid out my weekly pills, and tomorrow I tackle my checkbook again.