I was reading Funny Times yesterday during my commute and was pretty taken with a piece by Steve Bhaerman, aka Swami Beyondananda. When I looked at his website to see if I could link to it, I discovered the link wasn't working. Steve confirmed in e-mail that "there is a glitch on the website right now in finding it," but he was kind enough to give me permission to reprint it in full. Firesign fans in particular should appreciate the rapid-fire wordplay.
2004 State of the Universe Address
by Swami Beyondananda
Knowing how busy most of us have been, you probably haven't stopped to ask, "I wonder how the Universe is doing." Well, since you didn’t ask, I will tell you. Just fine, thank you. Ever-changing, same as always. Purring in perfection. The Universe continues expanding, and I don't care what the economists are saying, an expanding Universe means more jobs for everyone. Overall activity is up, and when the Universe puts on its overalls, you know it's gonna be a busy year.
Meanwhile back on earth, the cosmos are drawing us forth. Even George Bush. He recently announced plans to have a man on Mars by 2025. As if we didn’t have enough Mars energy these days. You never hear them talking about putting a woman on Venus, do you?
Going to Mars. That is the George Bush answer to global warming and environmental destruction. Well, we're just about done with this planet. Time to mosey on to greener -- I mean redder -- pastures. The E.T.s are very concerned. Right after the Mars probe landed, the headline in the Intergalactic Gazette was: "There Goes the Neighborhood."
Fortunately, there has been an infusion of angelic energy on Earth over the past year. Have you felt it? And those angels have upgraded their entire system. Now it's every time a cell phone rings, an angel gets his wings. The activity is everywhere. Even the Fox network is coming out with an angel show this year. But you know Fox, they're a little edgy. The new show is going to be called "Inappropriately Touched By An Angel."
And we will need all of the angelic energy we can get, because I have to tell you, the forces of endarkenment made great strides last year, leaving their footprints on the backs of far too many. Sadly, 2003 was the year that the Irony Curtain descended over America -- the invisible wall of impropaganda they put up to separate the people from the truth. And when Michael Moore broke through the soundless barrier at the Academy Awards Show, it was a moment of truth in a year that was short on truthful moments. His courage to speak the truth at a time when lie-ability appeared to be an asset makes him the leading candidate for this year's NoBull Prize.
Yes, the body politic has been inundated with so much toxic BS, our skeptic system has overflowed and we've ended up swallowing toxic ironies whole. This is called "irony deficiency." Seeing a doctor won't help, but seeing a paradox will.
If a Speech Freely Falls in the Forest, and There is No One There to Hear it — is it Still Free Speech?
True, this is a dangerous world, and while Mr. Cheney can hide himself in some undisclosed location, Mr. Bush has to make an appearance from time to time, and must be protected at all costs ... from free speech. So to make sure that criticism of his policies doesn't become massive enough to reach critical mass, protesters are now cordoned behind barbed wire in what are called ... and I am not making this up ... free speech zones. So Americans are still free to speak freely -- as long as no one can hear them.
Now I bet many Americans haven't even heard of these free speech zones, and that is not surprising. It was one of those stories that went uncovered while the media was busy assaulting us with weapons of mass distraction. Like what just happened at the Super Bowl. CBS -- which apparently wants us to see only the B.S. they want us to see -- refused to run a MoveOn ad critical of George Bush. Meanwhile, their affiliate MTV (or, as it has come to be known, Empty Vee) happily distracted us with the Janet Jackson /Justin Timberlake fiasco. This is all too typical of mass media nowadays -- an overwillingness to expose a little boob, and an underwillingness to expose a big one.
You can bet the Super Bowl will be entirely different in 2005. Rev. Jerry Falwell was very upset at what he called "trashy titillation and toilet humor" and vowed to clean it up. He has proposed that next year's half-time entertainment be provided by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and the event be renamed the Tidy Bowl.
Strike While the Irony is Hot!
So the body politic must strengthen itself by doing free press presses and pumping ironies. You know the old saying, "Strike while the irony is hot!"
Like this one: The best way to make peace is by making war. I think Dick Cheney said it best: "We will keep fighting our war for peace, even if it takes forever!"
The War in Iraq is less than a year old, and it has cost us over $90 billion. That is $246,575,342 a day! Do the math. And if you find the math difficult to fathom, how about the aftermath? Who will foot the bill for this misadventure? I will tell you. That bill will be placed squarely at our children's feet. Years and years of bleeding off our precious livelihood to pay for weapons of deadlihood. No wonder the 'hood is so deadly!
Now of course there are those in the administration who say you gotta fight fire with fire, right? Well, I've been talking with some firemen lately, and you know what? They say, "No, you fight fire with WATER..." We should be dampening support for those terrorists, and instead we seem to be firing them up. So here we are, caught between Iraq and a harder place, and unable to pull out because we wouldn't want to lose face. Now I don't know whose face is being saved over there, but for sure ass is being lost -- ours and theirs. War may or may not be face-saving, but it is always ass-losing. So we the people must decide whether saving their face is worth losing our ass.
And this thing about preemptive war being a new policy -- not true. There's nothing new about it. It is old, very old. Listen, Mr. Bush, I know you sometimes get words mixed up, but Jesus did NOT say, "Doo doo unto others BEFORE they can doo doo unto you."
Seriousness is Threatening Our Right to Laugh
The world is in such serious condition, the Earth's protective laugh force has been compromised. That's right. Scientists have discovered a hole in the Bozone Layer -- our planetary clown chakra -- because not enough levity is rising.
The good news is, we have founded the Right to Laugh Party ... one big party, everyone is invited .. to help us all wake up laughing, and leave laughter in our wake. Why laughter? Well most Americans agree there's definitely something funny going on, so why not use comedy to laugh those clowns out of power -- which in and of itself will raise the laugh-expectancy on the planet.
Because our right to laugh is being compromised by laugh-threatening seriousness. Everywhere I go, I see people not laughing. People are saying to me, "I don’t understand it. I coulda sworn we voted for West Wing. How'd we end up with the Sopranos?"
The Trillion Dollar Question
Listen. A trillion dollars disappeared from the Defense Department accounts last year. Poof, like that. Totally unaccounted for. Did you see that on Unsolved Mysteries? Maybe it was on and I missed it. The Trillion Dollar Question. Now, there's a reality TV show I would watch. Another story covered up because the media failed to cover it. If we want the body politic to recover, we must uncover the under-covered stories that have been covered over. For indeed the best antidote for private excess is public access.
If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, do you know what he'd be saying? First thing he'd say is, "Boy ...do I feel OLD!" But then he would say that we are sovereign citizens, not subjects, and the government is our servant, not the other way around. And we are not being served very well by our servants. They are serving themselves first, their cronies second, and we the people are picking up the tab. Thomas Jefferson, radical that he was, would be saying, "Forget those airline passengers. Let's strip search the government!"
Time for a New Precedent
The good news is we don't need a revolution in this country. We've already had one, thank you. What we need now is an American Evolution where we the people evolve into the enlightened citizens our Founding Fathers designed this government for. We must choose a new precedent, because if we keep doing what we've done we will only get what we’ve gotten. Choose a new precedent ... and a new President will follow. So we at the Right to Laugh Party put forth this precedent: Government of the people, by the people, for the people where the government does OUR bidding, not the bidding of the highest bidder.
Now I know we have counted on the Democrats in the past to represent the people's interests, but ever since they suffered that electile dysfunction back in 2000, those Democrats can't seem to get an election, can they? For the past ten years, the Republicans have been playing hardball. Meanwhile, the Democrats have been playing hardly-have-balls.
So that is why we must elect ourselves. It is only because of citizens like yourselves that Dr. Dean was able to alert the American public to the dangers of Mad Cowboy Disease (where the body politic is put into a state of cattlepsy) ... and citizens like you who will continue to awaken the body politic no matter who the candidates are. Yes, we need to wake up laughing, and wake up loving, so we can once and for all heal the body politic and cure electile dysfunction.
Blisskrieg Launched, All Out Peace Declared
Last year, we launched the Blisskrieg and declared all out peace. All those who have been developing inner peace, time to let it all out. And time to bring that force of consciousness into the political realm. That is why it is my mission to turn devotees into votees, and offer up another new precedent: Religions of the world helping people practice the Golden Rule instead of saying, "We're going to heaven... and everyone else can go to hell."
So how do we bring that blisskrieg home? First of all, we must really recognize the foolishness of getting even, and get odd instead. An eye for an eye will only create blindness. Instead of doing what has never worked, why not honor the odd possibility that by doing something different, we can actually get different results? Because the main reason for toxic human conditions is toxic human conditioning. Generations of this toxicity has left a lot of residoodoo.
Through the human jestive system, we can transmute this toxic residoodoo into harmless laughter that will improve the atmosphere and restore the Bozone Layer. Laughter will help the body politic de-Tex -- oops, I mean detox -- and bring down the irony curtain as well.
Pray It Forward!
Now listen, even if we can't prove God exists, we know love exists ... and even if religion doesn't work, prayer still does. So pray it forward. Forget the idea that the messiah is going to come down and save the world. Did Jesus say, "Now don't do a thing till I return?" No! We have met the messiah, and he is US! Who needs a bail out from above? This is supply-side spirituality.
Pray in any religion, pray in all of them. My guru, Harry Cohen Baba, the Garment Center Saint, was Jewish, had a Hindu ashram, and prayed to Buddha and Jesus. "Any one of these could be right," he explained, "so why put all your begs in one askit?" No one should be excluded, not even atheists. In fact, it is for their benefit that I created my Ultimate Meditation Tape -- which is, of course, blank. Because if we can't pray together, we don't have a prayer.
Armageddon ... or Disarmageddon?
The choice is ours, every day and every minute ... love or fear. Will we continue down the well worn path to armageddon ... or take the road less traveled to disarmageddon instead? Are we going to buy into original sin, or go for humanifest destiny where we actually realize our human potential? Because no matter what I see on the 6 o'clock news I believe we have the potential to be human, that mankind can treat man kindly, and that we can bring about Nonjudgment Day where all heaven will break loose!
But we must enlighten up! How many of you are willing to take a vow of levity? All those willing to take a vow of levity ... please rise! Repeat after me: "All for fun, and fun for all!" I now pronounce you duly absurdified.
May you laugh, laugh, laugh till the sacred cows come home. For truly the farce is with us.
Steve confirms that he is indeed a Firesign fan, and adds that he "had a great telephone conversation with Phil Proctor several years ago. I was happy that he'd heard of my work." He also announces that his travelling show will be in NYC this October, and he'll keep me posted, so I'll certainly pass that news onto all of you.
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