Pen-Elayne on the Web

Mothers and Daughters

Back in January I talked a bit about what I've inherited from my dad, like my tendency toward sentimentality. It's harder for me to talk about what I got from Mom, because sometimes - particularly when I look in the mirror - I think I got just about everything else. I probably look more like my aunt (Mom's sister) and probably have a sense of humor closer to my uncle (Mom's brother) but I don't think there's any mistaking us for mother and daughter when we're together. The oft-obsessive need to fill silences. The practicality, the list-making. The physical tendency towards the round and, um, hirsute (although I'm about a half foot taller than her - thanks Dad! - so I'm a busty rectangle instead of a compact pear-shape) and premature grey. The vocal cadence, particularly when I'm speaking with relatives. And not just how I sound but often what I say. The love of words and reading and teaching and making up special "secret" languages and just plain communicating (and occasionally arguing). The absolute knowledge-by-example that it was proper for women to work at whatever job they wished and to speak their minds and to be strong and independent; my mom was another "pre-feminism feminist."

Mom grew up in the Depression, her dad holding a number of different jobs to support the family. She chose to pursue a career in nursing, which proved fortuitous when her mom had a stroke and needed to be cared for, taught how to talk and walk and do a lot of stuff from scratch. She went to Hunter, back in the days of affordable higher education in NYC (I think it might even have been free), and went on to work in Mount Sinai Hospital, where I and my brothers were born. In fact, at the time of my birth I believe Mom was the head of the obstetrics ward, so I imagine she must have been quite popular. When we moved to New Jersey she worked in, I believe, St. Elizabeth's Hospital for a time, then took courses to become a school nurse; it was way neat having my mom be the nurse at my elementary school (although of course I couldn't fake any illness)! Her schedule meant she was around after we got out of school, to care for us and do housework and such. And as mentioned previously, she also spearheaded successful efforts to open up the school's holiday singalong program to more than the Christian POV; she and my Dad never hid their Jewishness in a very Catholic neighborhood. In the summers she was the nurse at our local day camp, where I became a camp counselor at age 14 (my first paying job!). I've never known my mom not to be busy at something; even now she and my dad are active in both the complexes where they live (NJ in the summers, Vegas in the winters), their synagogues, etc. And does she love her e-mail! She just sent me this, which I'm passing along to y'all now in her honor.

My mom was my first role model, and she's never stopped being one. My one regret is that I'll never be able to give her grandchildren. Because I can't pass on to the next generartion what she passed on to me, and the older I've gotten the more I've come to realize how much like her I am, and that being like her isn't such a bad thing at all. Thanks, Mom, and happy birthday.