In Communicado

Another mostly quiet day, wherein I got a lot done - the old shoes and sneakers and slippers are gone from my bedroom closet (and I found my old yoga mat in the corner thereof!), the finances are finished, the comics are cataloged and actually being read, and best of all I talked with Mom. My brother texted to suggest I give her a ring at the nursing home, and gave me her number there which I had not previously had, so that turned out to be a nice conversation and I feel like, for as long as it can last, I have partially retrieved that routine of touching base with Mom twice weekly again. We go see her next Saturday, and start our Thanksgiving shopping next Sunday as I've already begun my recipe gathering and ingredients list. Not going to go crazy, just scouring the Food Network for things that look interesting. And now, on to dinner and the exercise bike!

So Shoe Me

As my life continues to be in a subjectively-perceived holding pattern, I still carry on what I've been doing until such time as I need to pivot. Today it was changing out my sneakers, as the ones I've been wearing daily for at least a year are at the point where I think they're negatively affecting my feet and legs. I didn't even realize I still had a pair I hadn't worn. So I'm now breaking them in, and will clean out the two older pairs I now have as well as whatever other footwear I will never wear again. I'm kind of the opposite of my dad, who hoarded shoes at a level slightly under the late Imelda Marcos. I also made a tasty bean salad for Tuesday's pot luck pre-Thanksgiving feast at the office. Other than that, a quiet weekend give or take the patio building, then basketball game, going on outside my home office window. Can't wait for colder weather so the kid finds something else to do. Ah well, maybe he's in a holding pattern as well.

The Next Right Thing

I'm in the mood to rewatch Frozen 2 tonight, as it's a movie about being sent to a dark place and finding the only thing you can do when everything seems hopeless is The Next Right Thing. That's kind of what I'm dedicating myself to, at least in the short run. Baby steps. Little kindnesses. Deep breaths. The next right thing.

Creeping Into the Bones

The older I get, the colder I get. Except when I have stress sweats, or have just eaten, or have too many blankets on, or... Anyway, I'm not quite ready for the nippiness in the air today, and wore my thickest jacket and long sleeves into Manhattan, as it didn't warm up very much throughout the day. The commute home seemed super-long, and I felt like I needed it to be shorter considering how ragged I was run at the office, particularly by folks I don't usually support. But that's how I show my value, I suppose, and that's why leadership wants us to keep coming in. At least next week will be quiet, what with a big out of town partner meeting going on, so I can catch up on writing the rest of my goals. And maybe it'll rain again soon, these fires a hella scary.

A New Normalization

I hate what the country is likely to become when it was all so, so preventable. But once you've dumbed down a population it takes a long, long time to smarten them up again. I don't think I'll see that re-enlightenment in my lifetime, so I'll just have to hope I can insulate myself from the stupid as long as possible. I'm working on my work goals for the next fiscal year, and above all I'm prioritizing my health and well being. Without that, none of the rest matters. I'm currently about finding joy in the small things: a task well done, a touch from Robin, possibly a cat or two in my future. I'm generally a positive, upbeat person and I don't want to deny myself moments of happiness.

A Helluva Town

The Bronx, I'm told, is up. And my battery's down. Fires are breaking out all over, even though I had the car washed on Saturday to induce rain. And it was a tough Manhattan day, which had me juggling three calls/training sessions at once on MS Teams, not a fun thing. I couldn't even do two of them because I was recording the other one and that recording would have been lost if... you know what? Doesn't matter. I'm through, I'm home, I'm thawing, I'm exhausted.

Too Tired to Twitch

I always get twitchy whenever another Praise The Military holiday comes around. I know lots of folks who served - heck, my starter husband did umpteen tours with the Navy - but I will never believe they should be treated like some godlike beings because some rich politicians offered them up as possible cannon fodder. War is not, and never will be, the answer. That's kind of the point of this particular holiday, to remember the futility of war and pray that it stops for good someday soon. Until we stop worshiping the military (above others who actually serve by feeding the hungry and housing the homeless and fighting fires and other environmental disasters) the warmongering attitude is never going to change. But I'm just too tired by recent events (both political and personal) to do anything more than stay away from the war movies and slobbering, slavering tributes, do my job, and get ready for Manhattan again tomorrow.

It It 1971 Again?

As previously mentioned, we're both trying to stay away from watching or reading about current affairs for awhile. I'm limiting my social media time and starting to explore getting into reading again, probably going back to fantasy novels. I also want to take up the how-to-draw book again, and perhaps write once more but not (for the foreseeable) about silly sites. After we returned from shopping today with a nice clean car, we spent a few hours finishing up Apple TV's series about the music and politics of 1971, which I highly recommend. Of course you can always find historical parallels if you look hard enough, as humans we love finding patterns, but I was struck by (a) how far we've come since then and (b) how fragile all this freedom is when the strong status quo class feels it has anything to lose. And also, how creative opposition to status-quo conservatism can be. So in a small way it too gave me hope. We've been in dark places before and found the light. Just as we love finding patterns, I do think we all have an instinct to push past our lizard brains and bend towards the light. Little by little I'm climbing out.

Mom When She's There

We visited Mom in the long-term care facility today, having to drive through the smoke and haze wafting in on the wind from the north, but all went well. Mom's a bit sharper in the mornings and I don't like hitting George Washington Bridge-bound traffic (especially given the fire hazard situation) any later than 2 PM, so it worked out well. It was as pleasant a visit as could be expected nowadays, considering her lingering confusion and dislike of food in general. I have to say, the food at this LTC place is amazing, we each tried a bit of the breaded cod she was served for lunch and it whetted our appetites enough to keep going over the GWB, past our neighborhood and into the wilds of Westchester County to Kura, our favorite conveyor belt sushi place. For once my stress-induced gastrointestinal issues quieted a bit and I was able to enjoy our repast, and we still got home in plenty of daylight and time to relax before heading out again tomorrow for our usual grocery shopping. The car worked fine, although it desperately needs a wash (also tomorrow). All in all I still feel like I'm in a holding pattern, but every day holding on seems to become just a tiny bit easier.

Distractions

Old movies. Junk food. Data entry on the job. Smiling along with work colleagues. Anything to keep my mind occupied while I work through this (inter)national mourning period. I have very understanding partners and managing directors at work, always willing to lend an ear, but I'm just not certain I feel like talking. Gearing up to visit Mom tomorrow, speaking with my uncle each Friday, trying to keep in touch with as many relatives and friends and acquaintances as I can, knowing there is strength in community. Thanks for being there and being patient with me.