It's Saturday, and you're not allowed to sit shiva on the Sabbath. Mom, Jay and Kara just went off to synagogue, so I'm by myself in Jay & Kara's dining room. I don't do shul, I don't even do dresses. Surprisingly, this appears to have been understood and accepted.
Unlike certain other aspects of how I live, which have come under increasing scrutiny the longer we're in this enclosed atmosphere. A part of it is that the close quarters and lack of outside stimulation make for circular conversation, and nits just tend to get picked after a few days. There's also the tendency to circle the wagons and march in lockstep, and it's hard to maintain a separate identity if one's resistance has been worn down from trauma and exhaustion. One tends to fall into deeply ingrained behavior patterns. As Camryn Manheim observed, "Parents know how to push your buttons because, hey, they sewed them on," and it's been interesting to note how many sore spots Mom has gently irritated that I'd previously thought were strictly Dad's purview.
But behavior, like the brain itself, can often be repatterned. I may revert a bit when I'm in this sort of situation, but my own life will reassert itself on Monday when we get up from shiva, and I will continue on with the patterns that best suit me and Robin. Family will always be important, as will my community of friends (both in person and online), and I will balance it all as best I can. As Mom says, "baby steps." Whatever little negative things have come up this week, it's all small shit. This too shall pass, and I'm sure I will emerge a stronger person, as I always have in the past.
Unlike certain other aspects of how I live, which have come under increasing scrutiny the longer we're in this enclosed atmosphere. A part of it is that the close quarters and lack of outside stimulation make for circular conversation, and nits just tend to get picked after a few days. There's also the tendency to circle the wagons and march in lockstep, and it's hard to maintain a separate identity if one's resistance has been worn down from trauma and exhaustion. One tends to fall into deeply ingrained behavior patterns. As Camryn Manheim observed, "Parents know how to push your buttons because, hey, they sewed them on," and it's been interesting to note how many sore spots Mom has gently irritated that I'd previously thought were strictly Dad's purview.
But behavior, like the brain itself, can often be repatterned. I may revert a bit when I'm in this sort of situation, but my own life will reassert itself on Monday when we get up from shiva, and I will continue on with the patterns that best suit me and Robin. Family will always be important, as will my community of friends (both in person and online), and I will balance it all as best I can. As Mom says, "baby steps." Whatever little negative things have come up this week, it's all small shit. This too shall pass, and I'm sure I will emerge a stronger person, as I always have in the past.
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