Part of sitting shiva has consisted of a learning process -- not just learning about Dad from people who knew him from different perspectives than I could ever have had, but learning more about myself in response.
One thing I'm trying to better learn is the discipline of listening. I never felt like Dad was particularly proud of me or understood me very well, and Mom has assured me that wasn't the case. She suggests I may have only "listened with one ear" regarding such things. On the other hand, I know he never seemed to feel as though being involved in entertainment-related hobbies (writing, singing, acting, etc.) was worthwhile and, though I believe Robin's ability to make a living as a freelance artist was beginning to disabuse him of that notion, I think there would always have been a divide between his understanding of worth as primarily financial and my view of it being primarily soul-satisfying.
We've been talking a lot over the week about how different families adopt different customs when it comes to mourning. Much of what is written about the process is not hard and fast law (halachah in Hebrew), but subject to individual interpretation, or minchag (custom). Jay's friend who led yesterday's prayer service was talking to Mom and me about how fascinated he was by how Jews from different parts of the world treat things like challah, all the ways it can be braided and shaped depending on where the family is from. Everything initially comes from halachah but the minchagim are the personal spins we each put on those laws and strictures.
Even though I can't really see beyond day-to-day at this point, I know I'll be thinking a lot of my own minchagim as regards Dad's death. I imagine April's going to be a fairly quiet and reflective month for me, as I get back into my work and living routines. But however I choose to spend this next year, it has to be what works best for me and for my life with Robin, and I'd like to think that's how Dad would have wanted it.
One thing I'm trying to better learn is the discipline of listening. I never felt like Dad was particularly proud of me or understood me very well, and Mom has assured me that wasn't the case. She suggests I may have only "listened with one ear" regarding such things. On the other hand, I know he never seemed to feel as though being involved in entertainment-related hobbies (writing, singing, acting, etc.) was worthwhile and, though I believe Robin's ability to make a living as a freelance artist was beginning to disabuse him of that notion, I think there would always have been a divide between his understanding of worth as primarily financial and my view of it being primarily soul-satisfying.
We've been talking a lot over the week about how different families adopt different customs when it comes to mourning. Much of what is written about the process is not hard and fast law (halachah in Hebrew), but subject to individual interpretation, or minchag (custom). Jay's friend who led yesterday's prayer service was talking to Mom and me about how fascinated he was by how Jews from different parts of the world treat things like challah, all the ways it can be braided and shaped depending on where the family is from. Everything initially comes from halachah but the minchagim are the personal spins we each put on those laws and strictures.
Even though I can't really see beyond day-to-day at this point, I know I'll be thinking a lot of my own minchagim as regards Dad's death. I imagine April's going to be a fairly quiet and reflective month for me, as I get back into my work and living routines. But however I choose to spend this next year, it has to be what works best for me and for my life with Robin, and I'd like to think that's how Dad would have wanted it.
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