Pen-Elayne on the Web

2004 Olympics Drinking/Toking Game

Because somebody had to do it. But first, these messages:

Via Augie DeBlieck, the IOC has banned Olympic athletes and their support personnel from blogging during the games, except those prescient enough to have started their blogs beforehand. Also, "To protect lucrative broadcast contracts, athletes and other participants are also prohibited from posting any video, audio or still photos they take themselves, even after the games, unless they get permission ahead of time." No wonder mainstream media coverage is getting shittier and shittier, they're determined to have a lock on what we can and cannot see and hear. Fortunately, some mainstream places still produce interesting tidbits, like the Beeb's report yesterday on doping (I didn't even know 11 atheletes were booted from Sydney four years ago; I think the Athens games are up to 10 so far). And the Olympics aren't the only place where heroic athletes can be found; the same broadcast reported on Bula Chowdhury's amazing feat of becoming the first woman in the world to swim across seven channels and the British fellow who ran 50 miles a day for two months to win the 3,100-mile ultra-marathon.

Now, to the list so far. Feel free to substitute your drug of choice. I'm mostly concentrating on the NBC networks' coverage (including ads) rather than the athletes themselves, but I'm also staying away from obvious ones like "sip/toke every time a commentator says something politically stupid" because they just do it too often and that kind of indulgence might be a bit much. I'll be adding to this as I think of things or get suggestions:

Sip/toke every time a volleyball team does a group hug when they haven't even factored into the play (i.e., when the other team botches the serve).

Gulp/drag deeply every time that horrid Bush campaign ad comes on, which is still playing even over the objections of the Iraqi soccer team and the USOC. You'll need to. "Free nations," my ass; get the hell out of there then tell me whether they're "free." Arrogant SOBs.

Sip/toke every time a (usually US) silver or bronze medalist, the second or third best athlete in the world at that particular moment, is portrayed as though they've lost. Gold medals aren't a de facto US entitlement. Similarly, sip/toke every time a commentator makes a lame excuse for an American not winning the gold; gulp/drag deeply if the excuse has something to do with a judge. Buncha bad-sportsmanship whiners.

Sip/toke every time a commentator complains about rules not being favorable to a US team, as with softball. So what you're saying is, if the Yankees and Boston meet 12 times in the regular season and the Yanks win 11 out of those 12, but Boston wins the wild card spot, and they beat the Yanks in the playoffs, it's not fair? 'Cause that's the same exact deal going here. Teams get into the finals based on their overall record against all competitors, you xenophobic morons, not how many times they're beaten by Us. Gulp/drag deeply if the same commentator completely reverses this opinion once he/she is talking about US chances for a medal despite repeated losses (as with basketball).

Sip/toke every time a short race is replayed repeatedly from multiple camera angles. I think I counted a dozen showings of a women's sprint yesterday.

Sip/toke at every historical inaccuracy passed on as though it were true. Gulp/drag deeply any time an "in depth" report begins with a sentence like, "The theory of evolution is controversial." (This actually happened.)

Per eRobin Stelly in the comments, sip/toke every time a commentator tries to explain away poor attendance, or contradicts what you can clearly see or hear for yourself (i.e., the roar of the mostly-silent crowd or "energy" in a half-filled room).

Sip/toke every time a meaningless stat is intoned as though it had any significance whatsoever. The only low point in the amazing and wonderful coverage of the women's marathon was when one of the commentators started talking about the weight of the running shoes.

Speaking of which, raise your glass/pipe and salute every instance where actual interesting historical stuff about Greece is passed on; same for actual inspiring (not tear-jerking) stories about athletes. Extra sip/toke if those athletes aren't American. Two sips/tokes if a non-American wins and is interviewed by NBC.

More to come. Incidentally, I've decided that women's trampoline is my new favorite sport of the moment. The costumes are lovely, the athletes well-toned, and the athletics superb. Of course, I still believe that beach volleyball should be buried up to its neck.